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How to say No
While Staying Relational
I’ve had a lifetime of trouble saying No, and I’ve come to understand this in a few ways. I value being helpful. Being asked to do things for folks gives my life meaning and purpose. But like all good things there can also be a shadow to these values for me. I over commit. Important projects of mine get put on hold. And eventually I become exhausted and resentful.
Often, in our current time, ways of being relational are pathologized. The term people pleaser for example. In many ways a people pleaser’s way of being gets characterized as some sort of trauma response and should be done away with. But what’s the alternative? A bunch of empowered individuals walking around with no relational skills. Everybody afraid to do something for another lest they get judged. Well, I think it can be argued that that is where we find ourselves now.
But this is not to say that the ability to care for one’s self, and not over commit in ways that lead to resentments, doesn’t have value or shouldn’t be practiced. But it’s a nuanced dance, and not as black and white as many want to make it.
So in that spirit here are four questions I found helpful in the effort of saying No, but staying relational:
What meaning is being made about saying No? What’s seemingly at risk of saying No?
